Let's have it.
The 'i'm fine' post before i get some shut-eye and wake up early tomorrow.
Amusing facts, here.
Yknw, i've only recently started checking out Spice Girls' stuff nearly ten years after they've disbanded. Note: Heck, even Victoria Beckham's oldest son is about that age now.
Anyway, I found their songs to be rather beautiful and not to be underestimated by the fact that it's done by a manufactured-pop, commercial girl group. =)
Let me intro you to...'Viva Forever', a song that got me hooked the first time i heard it at age 8 or 9 besides freaking me out with its omg-so-sad video; 'Wannabe', which is their debut single that shouts funky louder than your usual fanfare--you should absolutely watch it on Youtube; the sensual single '2 Become 1', and lastly, the touching(this word should so not be in the same sentence as sensual lol =P), timeless 'Goodbye'.
Anyway to give better due to the song "Goodbye" than i did in the previous sentence, i find that it had the most amazing departure lyrics i've ever heard--for a friend.
My fave line: "Look for the rainbow, in every storm; Fly like an angel, heaven sent to me/Look for the rainbow, in every storm; Find out for certain, love is gonna be there for you, you'll always be someone's baby..."
But's there's also the encapsulating, pristine words of the amazing first verse.
Well-wishing sentiments, they're the best. Especially since all-girl gatherings usually taint departure moments with some inevitable bitchiness(lol that's pretty universal)...they ended up, at least publicly, singing a most beautiful song to mark their grievances in coping with a group member's sudden departure. I personally do believe that's how they really feel though. Which makes the song that much more meaningful.
Quite some history there, yo girls? Glad that Spice Girls do meet up occasionally and sing together even as of now.
And fave movie, currently...at the top standing would be 'Saving Face'.
It's about a Chinese-American surgeon, Wilhelmina(Wil), who has to deal with her unwed, pregnant-at-middle-age mum and a ballerina who's been in love with her since their childhood years.
Don't get me wrong on the lesbian storyline, but the beautifully handled story about the Chinese community in US and a daughter trying to communicate with her extremely traditional, has-more-complicated-issues-than-she-does mother definitely made the movie memorable.
Not to mention the wonderful chemistry of the not-so-straight relationship between the smart, doting ballerina Vivian and overworked surgeon Wil.
The movie is a good mix of English and Mandarin...humorous at times as the language barrier is well-manipulated by well-written dialogue.
And and, i find it cute to watch the main characters speak Mandarin with a slight american-english lilt--at least just among the younger generation as shown when they speak to their more traditional elders, as the parents/grandparents do speak perfect Mainland China accented Mandarin.
To be frank, i do lurve watching movies depicting Chinese communities in foreign countries; they remind me of my own community and at the same time i do celebrate our location and cultural differences thru the movies i watch.
See what I've managed to cook up while dealing with sadness? Haha. I wrote a story about emotions on Facebook, which was the first step to getting over being upset--by acknowledging it. After that i talked with friends and used my favourite things(and yup they really do make you feel less bad, just as Julie Andrews sings it)i.e. songs and movies to help me see the situation thru a bigger picture. Like, everyone's not alone in a struggle--they may have worse situations too, so i might as well be grateful.
But since i can't run away from talking about that thing, I'd give a summarised statement that the heart's not broken but it's delicate and void as many years of a single feeling has been overturned and poured out.
I would say that if it were girls, there might not be a person i could love more than C(sharing the same ideals, having a matching sense of humour, equal love for music), so even if i do meet another person i hope it's not a relationship overshadowed by her--which will be difficult, concluding that i shall give it time to see if the feelings still stand true in a few months', hopefully not years' time. I just want to be fair to whoever that loves me, boys i know now or girls i'll bump into in the near future.
I found that heartbreak, this time, is a weird pull from an external source of unhappiness on the comfortable, formerly solid thoughts i hold in my heart. Like, the idea of loving her is no longer as solid as before bcz the worth of 'the wait' has become deeply questionable; and the joy of simply talking to her is now plagued with the notion of someone better having her heart(yup, my unfortunate, destined bad timing has yet again cost me another chance).
I'm not second-guessing my own good qualities, but sometimes when someone else actually has the heart of the one you love, you will tend to believe that you did not have the chance to win her heart as easily.
Only time will tell how this story ends, unfolds, bcz as much as loyalty is not doing me that much good i'm not as cruel as to wishing we could be together; as that would mean her separated from someone who's really good for her now.
That was the point: if there was anything a segment of the nearly six years story ever told me, it was that right at the beginning of the crush i did let her go in hope she'd find someone better. She never did for many more years, until now.
So the good friend, best friend, simple friend figure such as yours truly should be happy for her. I am, but just not happy for myself. Lol. But now we would go back to the beginning of this post and i would tell you that getting better from an upsetting incident is not that hard. =)
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
It came too directly
Wanting closure? Half-heartedly, trying to close eyes but still peeping to see if there's any chance left?
Got closure, in 110% worth of volume.
All excitement came to a jarring halt when my long-time crush says that she's happily dating someone long-term, and will be leaving KL in a few months' time.
Earlier today I wanted to hold her hand, because she was being so sweet about bringing her bro to Aquaria and buying his x'mas presents; i didn't bcz i knew the boundaries, and that was even way before i knew she was currently in a relationship.
And so our great chemistry suffered a sudden, long pause when she said, 'you know, i am in a rship now. I'm just afraid it'll end.' It prompted her to ask if something was wrong from my reaction.
Remember that I currently study acting too?
So with the decent skills picked up, I just said 'oh i guess it's bcz you sounded so sad.' In actuality, my heart was breaking in a really slow and murderous rate.
'Haha, nope--it's just rship giddies whereby i seem to ponder over the possibility of it not lasting. I'm really happy now.' She reassured me with a smile.
The 'show' must go on, by the way. 'Oh haha that's great to hear. I'm glad you're happy now.' As every one-half of a pair of lovebirds must ritually shower their bestie with their good news one bit after another, I honed another set of great acting skills by laughing along with excitement.
Being nice, I even sent a mesg asking her to be happy and not to worry as in rships, meaning is what counts more than ending; and if it doesn't end well she's got a pretty damn good taekwondo exponent buddy here who could use a sandbag.
I know it's just typically me. But being immune to bad news, and getting the baddest personal one today, now it just feels like vomit that i can't churn out from my stomach-constipated emotions from being too busy with a display of happiness for others, for her.
I don't yet know the full extent of what maturity has changed in me, how i handle things and my attitude to its aftermath.
And thru this mention of the incident I know that something's def not right with me. Keeping it cool now.
Got closure, in 110% worth of volume.
All excitement came to a jarring halt when my long-time crush says that she's happily dating someone long-term, and will be leaving KL in a few months' time.
Earlier today I wanted to hold her hand, because she was being so sweet about bringing her bro to Aquaria and buying his x'mas presents; i didn't bcz i knew the boundaries, and that was even way before i knew she was currently in a relationship.
And so our great chemistry suffered a sudden, long pause when she said, 'you know, i am in a rship now. I'm just afraid it'll end.' It prompted her to ask if something was wrong from my reaction.
Remember that I currently study acting too?
So with the decent skills picked up, I just said 'oh i guess it's bcz you sounded so sad.' In actuality, my heart was breaking in a really slow and murderous rate.
'Haha, nope--it's just rship giddies whereby i seem to ponder over the possibility of it not lasting. I'm really happy now.' She reassured me with a smile.
The 'show' must go on, by the way. 'Oh haha that's great to hear. I'm glad you're happy now.' As every one-half of a pair of lovebirds must ritually shower their bestie with their good news one bit after another, I honed another set of great acting skills by laughing along with excitement.
Being nice, I even sent a mesg asking her to be happy and not to worry as in rships, meaning is what counts more than ending; and if it doesn't end well she's got a pretty damn good taekwondo exponent buddy here who could use a sandbag.
I know it's just typically me. But being immune to bad news, and getting the baddest personal one today, now it just feels like vomit that i can't churn out from my stomach-constipated emotions from being too busy with a display of happiness for others, for her.
I don't yet know the full extent of what maturity has changed in me, how i handle things and my attitude to its aftermath.
And thru this mention of the incident I know that something's def not right with me. Keeping it cool now.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Lone Tasker
Disclaimer: Please skip to the previous post for something more joyful and progressive. I'm serious, feel free to. You know you want to, haha.
Btw...This post is simply the product of a few trapped thoughts. Oh yea, to answer a few ques; nah I'm just a hell of a dreamer and have been perfecting the skills of written fabrication so don't be fooled by how I really feel abt someone then and now. It's not love for the ex, it's just storytelling to ease diff degrees of moving on.
Speaking up...
Taylor Lautner and Ryan Reynolds remind me of JC.
Lol. They have some features and gestures/facial expressions that do.
Next.
Something about cheerleaders in a Net article reminded me of M.
Yknw, a time when nothing really mattered and I could just roam the school hall freely. One day, I noticed a cheerleader practising for Aidan. I didn't recognise her at first but then after the routine she came over towards Diamond who just walked by me.
Diamond jokingly exclaimed how hot M was, and I just smiled as M said hi. I looked at her, and for a moment thought that this new friend was perhaps not far from what Diamond has said. So I just nudged Diamond for having suggested so. I kept the thought to myself and walked alongside them as she placed upon my hand an exquisite timepiece she would entrust my care of, and returned the earlier smile.
That's all. Just a flash.
Did i make the pivotal mistake that ended all those relationships?
Sometimes, I'm inclined to believe so. But any different wouldn't necessarily have been better either.
Now I can finally say I'm ready and matured enough to be in a relationship--a statement I wouldn't have been able to make on both Dec/Jan '08 and '09.
Things would've been diff if I could; but I wouldn't want to turn back time to change the great things that've happened after I didn't try the road not taken.
I know the things that I can't have, and at the same time the chances I have to take now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A recap...
Finally, I also recalled the last convo I had with N as a couple. It was spoken in tears on her part while I listened heartbrokenly.
'I always felt that I wasn't good enough for you.'
'Why are you saying so? Don't cry. Don't..'
'You're a really intelligent girl. And I feel like I can't keep up most of the time.'
'But I love you. Does that have to be measured in such sense?'
'I'm sorry. I just feel so inferior at times, and you really deserve someone better; someone who could fill you with equal knowledge, ideas, dreams. I just am too dumb for you.'
'I don't think that's really what I need. Don't feel so, okay? Please,'
'*stops crying for awhile* You're a really smart girl. And that's why I love you. Don't you ever change that for anyone. Okay? But I just can't be intelligent enough for you. I'm sorry.'
'Please--don't say so, it doesn't change anything I feel about you. Hey..my mum's asking me to get off the phone. But I can't, because I can't hear you like this and feel at ease. I'ma think about you. Don't cry, don't feel that way..'
'I don't know. I'm just--sorry. Go, I know your mum's worried. Don't worry about me. Take care alright. Goodbye..'
This conversation, or rather its topic, haunted me for about 2 years; it left me wondering for a long time if the difference in intelligence or societal quo could really end my chances at love, be the reason someone could not love me for.
That's until i've accepted that someone who loves me should love me for the right reasons, and not let who i am be a reason to feel inferior about themselves.
Cz that's not love. That's just...wrong. Lol.
I suppose I know now what's right and good for me, but it's as open-ended as to whether it will happen again. I'll brace it as it comes, I'll tell him/her, 'If you think love was about equation-intelligence, Einstein should play Cassanova already. Baby what did you expect? The village idiot?'
The wounded can't justify the situation, so I'll end it at that. Definitely maybe.
It's my turn to apologise for turning an initially happy post into somethg bleak. Lol. But thanks in turn for hearing out something I've never spoken up about before.
Btw...This post is simply the product of a few trapped thoughts. Oh yea, to answer a few ques; nah I'm just a hell of a dreamer and have been perfecting the skills of written fabrication so don't be fooled by how I really feel abt someone then and now. It's not love for the ex, it's just storytelling to ease diff degrees of moving on.
Speaking up...
Taylor Lautner and Ryan Reynolds remind me of JC.
Lol. They have some features and gestures/facial expressions that do.
Next.
Something about cheerleaders in a Net article reminded me of M.
Yknw, a time when nothing really mattered and I could just roam the school hall freely. One day, I noticed a cheerleader practising for Aidan. I didn't recognise her at first but then after the routine she came over towards Diamond who just walked by me.
Diamond jokingly exclaimed how hot M was, and I just smiled as M said hi. I looked at her, and for a moment thought that this new friend was perhaps not far from what Diamond has said. So I just nudged Diamond for having suggested so. I kept the thought to myself and walked alongside them as she placed upon my hand an exquisite timepiece she would entrust my care of, and returned the earlier smile.
That's all. Just a flash.
Did i make the pivotal mistake that ended all those relationships?
Sometimes, I'm inclined to believe so. But any different wouldn't necessarily have been better either.
Now I can finally say I'm ready and matured enough to be in a relationship--a statement I wouldn't have been able to make on both Dec/Jan '08 and '09.
Things would've been diff if I could; but I wouldn't want to turn back time to change the great things that've happened after I didn't try the road not taken.
I know the things that I can't have, and at the same time the chances I have to take now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A recap...
Finally, I also recalled the last convo I had with N as a couple. It was spoken in tears on her part while I listened heartbrokenly.
'I always felt that I wasn't good enough for you.'
'Why are you saying so? Don't cry. Don't..'
'You're a really intelligent girl. And I feel like I can't keep up most of the time.'
'But I love you. Does that have to be measured in such sense?'
'I'm sorry. I just feel so inferior at times, and you really deserve someone better; someone who could fill you with equal knowledge, ideas, dreams. I just am too dumb for you.'
'I don't think that's really what I need. Don't feel so, okay? Please,'
'*stops crying for awhile* You're a really smart girl. And that's why I love you. Don't you ever change that for anyone. Okay? But I just can't be intelligent enough for you. I'm sorry.'
'Please--don't say so, it doesn't change anything I feel about you. Hey..my mum's asking me to get off the phone. But I can't, because I can't hear you like this and feel at ease. I'ma think about you. Don't cry, don't feel that way..'
'I don't know. I'm just--sorry. Go, I know your mum's worried. Don't worry about me. Take care alright. Goodbye..'
This conversation, or rather its topic, haunted me for about 2 years; it left me wondering for a long time if the difference in intelligence or societal quo could really end my chances at love, be the reason someone could not love me for.
That's until i've accepted that someone who loves me should love me for the right reasons, and not let who i am be a reason to feel inferior about themselves.
Cz that's not love. That's just...wrong. Lol.
I suppose I know now what's right and good for me, but it's as open-ended as to whether it will happen again. I'll brace it as it comes, I'll tell him/her, 'If you think love was about equation-intelligence, Einstein should play Cassanova already. Baby what did you expect? The village idiot?'
The wounded can't justify the situation, so I'll end it at that. Definitely maybe.
It's my turn to apologise for turning an initially happy post into somethg bleak. Lol. But thanks in turn for hearing out something I've never spoken up about before.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Having mild symptoms of PMS, currently.
But fortunately this time I can keep in under control.
Symptoms include great appetite, greater sensitivity and greatest fatigue(actually that's cz I've been going to so many nature parks lol).
Let's also touch on another topic, not that it is completely new to me, but just that it hasn't been a strong point in 2009.
I'm going out with someone.
Yes I am.
First...
I don't want to think too much about it as I do not expect someone to like me just the same.
So 'going out' can conclusively be defined for now as purely hanging out just to sort out differences--hoping that we still have things in common.
I can't yet tell you who it is as I've a new 'policy': I don't want to jinx things by prematurely talking about it.
But here's the catch.
That someone is bringing her younger bro along.
Yup, suggesting that we hang out at a place close to nature has resulted in someone's mum requesting that the brother be brought along.
The usual teen, being in my situation, would go 'Shucks wth what'd I do wit the kid??'
But me?
I don't mind.
I know the kid, we've spent time at her house before; playing and watching dvd's.
And to bridge the gap of communication btwn someone and yours truly, having a day out of pure fun is not such a bad idea.
I can't say that the whole going out thing is rusty to me, but it's just that I really like this person--and I want it to work out I guess. =)
Besides, moving on is sometimes akin to tricking my heart.
But fortunately this time I can keep in under control.
Symptoms include great appetite, greater sensitivity and greatest fatigue(actually that's cz I've been going to so many nature parks lol).
Let's also touch on another topic, not that it is completely new to me, but just that it hasn't been a strong point in 2009.
I'm going out with someone.
Yes I am.
First...
I don't want to think too much about it as I do not expect someone to like me just the same.
So 'going out' can conclusively be defined for now as purely hanging out just to sort out differences--hoping that we still have things in common.
I can't yet tell you who it is as I've a new 'policy': I don't want to jinx things by prematurely talking about it.
But here's the catch.
That someone is bringing her younger bro along.
Yup, suggesting that we hang out at a place close to nature has resulted in someone's mum requesting that the brother be brought along.
The usual teen, being in my situation, would go 'Shucks wth what'd I do wit the kid??'
But me?
I don't mind.
I know the kid, we've spent time at her house before; playing and watching dvd's.
And to bridge the gap of communication btwn someone and yours truly, having a day out of pure fun is not such a bad idea.
I can't say that the whole going out thing is rusty to me, but it's just that I really like this person--and I want it to work out I guess. =)
Besides, moving on is sometimes akin to tricking my heart.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Listen up. =)
Forget the awkward misery of the previous post, cz this week i'm in a pretty good mood =)
Which is in dog years, like, RARE.
Haha.
Not really la...i mean it's just that whenever I'm feeling good I tend to want to savour each moment by not giving in to distractions such as, haha, blogging.
Here's a small recap of the aftermath of the incident stated in the previous post.
Verdict: Guy and girl talked it thru and are friends now, guy still look like a bloody naive rich kid overprotected from all of world's harms and probably thinks that doing 'bad things' are okay as long as you know how to apologise; girl on the other hand is probably wilder than first thought to be--maybe she's playing it cool, or perhaps it doesn't really matter to her.
Lol, who knows. But the way that guy's face lights up with the 'hehe, she can't stay away from me and we talked so we're friends now after i apologised hehe' statement after almost raping a girl who's my good friend?
He's lucky I hadn't earn me a black belt yet.
Anyway, apart from shitty things of last week--last week's stuff should just remain as last week's lol--why I'm in a beaming mood is cz yday I suddenly remembered certain sweet things from my high school rships.
Okay, here's the thing--normally after you go thru a break-up you think too much and get upset too much, before you finally move on when you decide to stop thinking too much. And by stopping the 'thinking too much' part, you gradually forget little details of the rship til what's left in mind is just more fundamental info on the rship: how we met, how long we lasted, how we broke-up, how i moved on.
Unfortunately, the part btwn 'how we met' and 'how long we lasted' has to be put aside for effective moving on.
But yday, bits of the good memories flashed and they were quite sweet. Tho this time, I'm looking at 'em from the point of view of 'audience', not 'actor/participant'--which means i really have moved on. Good. So anyway, the first memory was the first someone cooked for me, well 'baked' to be precise, cupcakes for my b'day.
When someone you loved baked stuff for you, for a moment it wouldn't matter if the food was too sweet or the design was a bit off right?
Haha yea. I remember being so happy about it; even tried to keep at least one or two out of a box full of cupcakes in the fridge for remembrance, but my family gave me the ultimatum of 'eat or throw'.
I won't tell you how that ended tho. Lol.
I don't remember much else, except that some are choir-related, but saying that it's 'flashes' of good memories actually mean that they're just old film-like glimpses--they make you smile inside but you don't exactly end up remembering why.
So yea. I'm in a pretty good mood now. Of course I hope it lasts, because I think however short the duration I deserve to be happy too. And seeing how depressing some posts in this blog can get when times are bad--don't you agree?
I won't say more to jinx what's meant to be or going to be; but what I can write is that I hope things go well for me in the long run, and that next year may be a better year for me, and for you of course.
Which is in dog years, like, RARE.
Haha.
Not really la...i mean it's just that whenever I'm feeling good I tend to want to savour each moment by not giving in to distractions such as, haha, blogging.
Here's a small recap of the aftermath of the incident stated in the previous post.
Verdict: Guy and girl talked it thru and are friends now, guy still look like a bloody naive rich kid overprotected from all of world's harms and probably thinks that doing 'bad things' are okay as long as you know how to apologise; girl on the other hand is probably wilder than first thought to be--maybe she's playing it cool, or perhaps it doesn't really matter to her.
Lol, who knows. But the way that guy's face lights up with the 'hehe, she can't stay away from me and we talked so we're friends now after i apologised hehe' statement after almost raping a girl who's my good friend?
He's lucky I hadn't earn me a black belt yet.
Anyway, apart from shitty things of last week--last week's stuff should just remain as last week's lol--why I'm in a beaming mood is cz yday I suddenly remembered certain sweet things from my high school rships.
Okay, here's the thing--normally after you go thru a break-up you think too much and get upset too much, before you finally move on when you decide to stop thinking too much. And by stopping the 'thinking too much' part, you gradually forget little details of the rship til what's left in mind is just more fundamental info on the rship: how we met, how long we lasted, how we broke-up, how i moved on.
Unfortunately, the part btwn 'how we met' and 'how long we lasted' has to be put aside for effective moving on.
But yday, bits of the good memories flashed and they were quite sweet. Tho this time, I'm looking at 'em from the point of view of 'audience', not 'actor/participant'--which means i really have moved on. Good. So anyway, the first memory was the first someone cooked for me, well 'baked' to be precise, cupcakes for my b'day.
When someone you loved baked stuff for you, for a moment it wouldn't matter if the food was too sweet or the design was a bit off right?
Haha yea. I remember being so happy about it; even tried to keep at least one or two out of a box full of cupcakes in the fridge for remembrance, but my family gave me the ultimatum of 'eat or throw'.
I won't tell you how that ended tho. Lol.
I don't remember much else, except that some are choir-related, but saying that it's 'flashes' of good memories actually mean that they're just old film-like glimpses--they make you smile inside but you don't exactly end up remembering why.
So yea. I'm in a pretty good mood now. Of course I hope it lasts, because I think however short the duration I deserve to be happy too. And seeing how depressing some posts in this blog can get when times are bad--don't you agree?
I won't say more to jinx what's meant to be or going to be; but what I can write is that I hope things go well for me in the long run, and that next year may be a better year for me, and for you of course.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
In ascending order
With this post, the no. of posts in this blog finally catches up with the amount in 'Lovejoy', my previous blog. In this blog I have sought to achieve: neutrality and maturity. Honesty is not really a question bcz writing here in the first place is an act of honesty--so i won't put a scale of doubt to measure that quality.
Have I achieved them? Let's see. Yes. I am not that previously sinking emo person who lets out anything she feels as and when she pleases.
I no longer create stories that would make even myself cringe.
Am I colder than I used to be? Not really, just more apt at applying discretion. That skill increases proportionally with maturity I believe. But I still work on when to and not to let things out. Sometimes that's a matter of self-control, but today it seems like a necessity.
Despite being less inclined to generate emotions to this extent, I really have to let this out today. It's not a story--it's a fact I myself wish could be erased.
Dear journal,
Notice that I only write when I have nowhere else to turn to at any one time.
It's not selfish that when I'm happy I don't blog, I only do when I'm down. It's just a kind of release.
Why I have typed that first paragraph full of general statements without getting into the main point is bcz I'm currently not feeling at my best, hence the lack of focus.
I will tell you clearly in this following statement: I have been depressed about a particular incident whereby a good female friend of mine was molested, cornered and done bad things to which I chose not to know (bcz I ended up tearing up inside as I listened to the explanation and wanted out of the convo) by this guy who supposedly is this good male friend whom I introduced to her not long ago.
I feel like it's my fault bcz I could've assumed my usual routine of just hanging out with that girl at the piano and jamming a little once in a week.
But one afternoon, I thought I was just being kind, by bringing up one extra friend to the room.
This guy who is a good friend of mine, is also a guitarist of the band.
The moment I introduced her to him as 'the new keyboardist of the band', it became a huge mistake I've made.
He has grown rather obssessed with her, writing her name in books all the time and showing me. Endless messaging and waiting at doors for her just like a stalker.
But you see, bcz he is a good friend of mine in the band, I usually see the positive side of the crush and might have encouraged him to just get to know her a little better and see if she likes him too.
'Til one day...he wanted to know her just a little too much.
The girl disappeared from college.
The guy started speaking unintelligibly.
I knew that something was wrong.
When the guy regained his senses he said he'd done something bad and the girl would never speak to him again. Not wanting to seem too suspicious at first, I just reminded him that we were supposed to all, including that girl, go watch a movie later that day. I told him that by scaring that girl away with his love confession(i didn't know the whole story back then), he'd mess up our movie plan.
I asked him, 'what did you do? why won't she want to see you again?' calmly.
He didn't want to further elaborate on that 'bad thing' and even absent-mindedly mesged her to come for the movie. Seeing that he wasn't one bit worried, I thought less about the extent of the 'bad thing' and went on with our movie plan with other waiting friends--secretly mesging that girl to see if she's okay.
Immediately after the movie, I started dialling her number and realised that she has switched her phone off to avoid that guy.
No one seemed to be able to give light on what's happened. So I sent her a mesg based on a general assumption that the guy has scared her away by confessing too soon; I put in basic words of consolation since I couldn't yet tailor it to the incident and asked her to just take it as a bad dream.
The way they reacted to the incident coincidentally reminded me of the incident whereby someone got traumatised by another person's forced advances on her due to unrequited love. I thought it over and tried not to think of the worst.
The next day, the guy appeared before me seemingly worried. He said he wanted to take yday as a bad dream. By then I would have tried to pry the truth from him--he sat us down and finally spoke up.
'I blacked out,'
'What do you mean?'
'Praise(the victim's roommate)said I blacked out and that's how she escaped.'
I fell silent for a moment and signalled for him to continue.
'You know how I feel for her don't you?'
'Yea.'
Knowing he simply wanted the reassurance of a listener, or friend, I gestured to him that I'm all ears.
'It happened by the stairway. I tried to hug her at first...but she ducked and fell by the corner of two walls forming the square area in between staircases. She was there, shocked, but I didn't want to let her go. So I placed my hands by both the adjacent walls and blocked her from moving.'
I tried hard to digest the information while keeping a straight face to say, '..Mhmm. And then?'
He continued. 'I went close to her ear. I said...I love her.'
At that moment, he squirmed a little uncomfortably at his seat.
'I probably did something bad. I-I, don't remember...I blacked out you know? Then she made her escape. But I know it's bad, that's why she doesn't want to talk to me now. Maybe, I'll remember what's happened, later...'
'Hey um I'm sorry but I have class...I can't be late for Ms. A's class--you know how she is.'
'Oh okay, I understand.'
'So yea be back with you later.'
'I feel so bad now. I couldn't sleep last night.'
'I'm sure it'll be better in time. Give it time,'
By saying that, I'd have left the place.
I went upstairs.
My first reaction after coming off that calmness I put on was anger. But I couldn't direct it to him bcz after all before my eyes, was a good friend of mine who I couldn't imagine inflicting such harm; I was in disbelief.
But the anger kept going on bcz I've lost a friend who is new to K.L. being a Seremban girl...what have we as hosts done to her? Why put on the worst side of you as a LOCAL to a foreign face, idiot?
Why hurt an innocent girl?
Why outrage someone's modesty...what rights have you, fuckface?????
Why has he breached professionalism to cause such a ruckus that would cost us our band pianist...why has he destroyed my chances of working with a musician I can finally connect with?
I kept by the walls and walked as fast as I could to avoid gazes. Eventually I reached a classroom, the classroom I was supposed to be in, it didn't seem to matter somehow.
I imagined how traumatised she would be right now.
Remembering how I couldn't save Diamond either, from near rape.
I don't ever want my friends to go thru such trauma, be it once or again; being an empath it would only hurt me more.
Visualising the incident and feeling her pain made me hate my strong ability to empathise. I blamed myself at that moment, for introducing him to her, when I could've chosen not to.
I cried after a very long time.
Have I achieved them? Let's see. Yes. I am not that previously sinking emo person who lets out anything she feels as and when she pleases.
I no longer create stories that would make even myself cringe.
Am I colder than I used to be? Not really, just more apt at applying discretion. That skill increases proportionally with maturity I believe. But I still work on when to and not to let things out. Sometimes that's a matter of self-control, but today it seems like a necessity.
Despite being less inclined to generate emotions to this extent, I really have to let this out today. It's not a story--it's a fact I myself wish could be erased.
Dear journal,
Notice that I only write when I have nowhere else to turn to at any one time.
It's not selfish that when I'm happy I don't blog, I only do when I'm down. It's just a kind of release.
Why I have typed that first paragraph full of general statements without getting into the main point is bcz I'm currently not feeling at my best, hence the lack of focus.
I will tell you clearly in this following statement: I have been depressed about a particular incident whereby a good female friend of mine was molested, cornered and done bad things to which I chose not to know (bcz I ended up tearing up inside as I listened to the explanation and wanted out of the convo) by this guy who supposedly is this good male friend whom I introduced to her not long ago.
I feel like it's my fault bcz I could've assumed my usual routine of just hanging out with that girl at the piano and jamming a little once in a week.
But one afternoon, I thought I was just being kind, by bringing up one extra friend to the room.
This guy who is a good friend of mine, is also a guitarist of the band.
The moment I introduced her to him as 'the new keyboardist of the band', it became a huge mistake I've made.
He has grown rather obssessed with her, writing her name in books all the time and showing me. Endless messaging and waiting at doors for her just like a stalker.
But you see, bcz he is a good friend of mine in the band, I usually see the positive side of the crush and might have encouraged him to just get to know her a little better and see if she likes him too.
'Til one day...he wanted to know her just a little too much.
The girl disappeared from college.
The guy started speaking unintelligibly.
I knew that something was wrong.
When the guy regained his senses he said he'd done something bad and the girl would never speak to him again. Not wanting to seem too suspicious at first, I just reminded him that we were supposed to all, including that girl, go watch a movie later that day. I told him that by scaring that girl away with his love confession(i didn't know the whole story back then), he'd mess up our movie plan.
I asked him, 'what did you do? why won't she want to see you again?' calmly.
He didn't want to further elaborate on that 'bad thing' and even absent-mindedly mesged her to come for the movie. Seeing that he wasn't one bit worried, I thought less about the extent of the 'bad thing' and went on with our movie plan with other waiting friends--secretly mesging that girl to see if she's okay.
Immediately after the movie, I started dialling her number and realised that she has switched her phone off to avoid that guy.
No one seemed to be able to give light on what's happened. So I sent her a mesg based on a general assumption that the guy has scared her away by confessing too soon; I put in basic words of consolation since I couldn't yet tailor it to the incident and asked her to just take it as a bad dream.
The way they reacted to the incident coincidentally reminded me of the incident whereby someone got traumatised by another person's forced advances on her due to unrequited love. I thought it over and tried not to think of the worst.
The next day, the guy appeared before me seemingly worried. He said he wanted to take yday as a bad dream. By then I would have tried to pry the truth from him--he sat us down and finally spoke up.
'I blacked out,'
'What do you mean?'
'Praise(the victim's roommate)said I blacked out and that's how she escaped.'
I fell silent for a moment and signalled for him to continue.
'You know how I feel for her don't you?'
'Yea.'
Knowing he simply wanted the reassurance of a listener, or friend, I gestured to him that I'm all ears.
'It happened by the stairway. I tried to hug her at first...but she ducked and fell by the corner of two walls forming the square area in between staircases. She was there, shocked, but I didn't want to let her go. So I placed my hands by both the adjacent walls and blocked her from moving.'
I tried hard to digest the information while keeping a straight face to say, '..Mhmm. And then?'
He continued. 'I went close to her ear. I said...I love her.'
At that moment, he squirmed a little uncomfortably at his seat.
'I probably did something bad. I-I, don't remember...I blacked out you know? Then she made her escape. But I know it's bad, that's why she doesn't want to talk to me now. Maybe, I'll remember what's happened, later...'
'Hey um I'm sorry but I have class...I can't be late for Ms. A's class--you know how she is.'
'Oh okay, I understand.'
'So yea be back with you later.'
'I feel so bad now. I couldn't sleep last night.'
'I'm sure it'll be better in time. Give it time,'
By saying that, I'd have left the place.
I went upstairs.
My first reaction after coming off that calmness I put on was anger. But I couldn't direct it to him bcz after all before my eyes, was a good friend of mine who I couldn't imagine inflicting such harm; I was in disbelief.
But the anger kept going on bcz I've lost a friend who is new to K.L. being a Seremban girl...what have we as hosts done to her? Why put on the worst side of you as a LOCAL to a foreign face, idiot?
Why hurt an innocent girl?
Why outrage someone's modesty...what rights have you, fuckface?????
Why has he breached professionalism to cause such a ruckus that would cost us our band pianist...why has he destroyed my chances of working with a musician I can finally connect with?
I kept by the walls and walked as fast as I could to avoid gazes. Eventually I reached a classroom, the classroom I was supposed to be in, it didn't seem to matter somehow.
I imagined how traumatised she would be right now.
Remembering how I couldn't save Diamond either, from near rape.
I don't ever want my friends to go thru such trauma, be it once or again; being an empath it would only hurt me more.
Visualising the incident and feeling her pain made me hate my strong ability to empathise. I blamed myself at that moment, for introducing him to her, when I could've chosen not to.
I cried after a very long time.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Boys
...They either know just what a girl wants, or are absolutely clueless about it.
The ones I know have shown me how dependable they are, but the ones who know my friends just keep doing one dumb thing after another to hurt them.
Maybe it's just my luck to have good men as friends as family. But I hate seeing those that hurt my friends because I'm left wondering how helpless I am at protecting them.
I have this aura whereby guys are not attracted to me, only some gals are. E.g There's this guy in my band falls for every inch of womenkind around the college even ugly ones, except me, making my aura theory quite true.
My friend started that aura topic lol. But she's been to busy to explain said theory.
Anyway, back to boys, I don't know why they want to keep abusing the natural abilities they are given to supposedly protect the fairer sex.
Domestic abuse?
Sexual assault?
What good is that bulk of height and body if all you do is misuse it? Because this is not the age of hunting and dinosaur escaping and the lord above can choose to take all your characteristics back anytime if he deems it useless--so play your new defense and protective roles well.
Guys, I want to trust you because you have been the some of the most influencial and helpful presences in my life.
But why are you so different in my friends' lives?
Why are you so kind to a girl with supposed-lesbionic aura(lol seriously)but monstrous to your average femmes?
Don't ever try to believe it was cz of this prob with you that i miraculously 'turned gay' lol, but it's because I feel an emotional connection with women that makes me happier than with men.
But this issue is just a core problem involving my trust in you essentially as human beings, not love partners.
I still love you, sweet and sensitive JR, my dependable bro, my responsible uncles, my knowledgeable male teachers...but trust, something pretty fundamental, has to be regained.
The ones I know have shown me how dependable they are, but the ones who know my friends just keep doing one dumb thing after another to hurt them.
Maybe it's just my luck to have good men as friends as family. But I hate seeing those that hurt my friends because I'm left wondering how helpless I am at protecting them.
I have this aura whereby guys are not attracted to me, only some gals are. E.g There's this guy in my band falls for every inch of womenkind around the college even ugly ones, except me, making my aura theory quite true.
My friend started that aura topic lol. But she's been to busy to explain said theory.
Anyway, back to boys, I don't know why they want to keep abusing the natural abilities they are given to supposedly protect the fairer sex.
Domestic abuse?
Sexual assault?
What good is that bulk of height and body if all you do is misuse it? Because this is not the age of hunting and dinosaur escaping and the lord above can choose to take all your characteristics back anytime if he deems it useless--so play your new defense and protective roles well.
Guys, I want to trust you because you have been the some of the most influencial and helpful presences in my life.
But why are you so different in my friends' lives?
Why are you so kind to a girl with supposed-lesbionic aura(lol seriously)but monstrous to your average femmes?
Don't ever try to believe it was cz of this prob with you that i miraculously 'turned gay' lol, but it's because I feel an emotional connection with women that makes me happier than with men.
But this issue is just a core problem involving my trust in you essentially as human beings, not love partners.
I still love you, sweet and sensitive JR, my dependable bro, my responsible uncles, my knowledgeable male teachers...but trust, something pretty fundamental, has to be regained.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Songs
Dear web journal(how unaffectionately cold haha),
I'm feeling a bit down today; and it seems that this time it's not a result of my doing. Would you be surprised if it was about two equally good friends who unfolded their problem before me and trapped me in?
I'm supposed to have some stuff to tell you cz sometimes even if the mind struggles and needs the emotional release, the body just wants to sleep it off. So basically I'm in no shape to reenact the scene in my mind well enough to type it out...
Anyway I wrote a song in October entitled 'Just This Dance', which was a song about wanting just one dance to be inspired about life again.
"Just This Dance" by JLWY
Verse 1:
Can I have a word with you?
Though I know that you’re not free
Can we dance to just this song?
‘Cause I know my hope is dry
Chorus:
Can I have just this dance; can I have just this dance?
It will change my life, you know
Words from your steady steps
Can be inspiring
You could be the one to show
Verse 2:
Can I stay here watching you?
Though I know that you’re not free
I’m amazed by the work you do
‘Cause I know it’ll set me free
Chorus:
Can I have just this dance; can I have just this dance?
It will change my life, you know
Words from your crazy steps
Can be so colourful
You could show me all you know
Bridge:
I need just this dance
To feel alive again
I wanna be inspired again
November's song, as 60% progress is achieved, is called 'Satellite'.
Why so? Cz I'm trying out a deeper concept of communication break downs.
It could be intepreted as lost friendship, lost love as good as it can be viewed as lack of/inability to understand someone.
Here's the current lyrics:
"Satellite" by JLWY
Verse 1:
My satellite's broken down today
And it hasn't landed anywhere near you, mhmm
Bracing a fall only shadows would know
Come back in time to be fixed
Chorus:
And despite the modern technology
All we need is just some clarity
I have lost you to the blue of sea
How do I let you hear me?
Verse 2:
Oh, my satellite's broken down today
Does it make a difference if it lands near you?
It survives a fall through the shadow of night
Hoping to see you someday
Chorus:
With the lure of modern technology
We have lost some of our clarity
I lost sight of you in the chrome of hills
How could I let this be?
I'm feeling a bit down today; and it seems that this time it's not a result of my doing. Would you be surprised if it was about two equally good friends who unfolded their problem before me and trapped me in?
I'm supposed to have some stuff to tell you cz sometimes even if the mind struggles and needs the emotional release, the body just wants to sleep it off. So basically I'm in no shape to reenact the scene in my mind well enough to type it out...
Anyway I wrote a song in October entitled 'Just This Dance', which was a song about wanting just one dance to be inspired about life again.
"Just This Dance" by JLWY
Verse 1:
Can I have a word with you?
Though I know that you’re not free
Can we dance to just this song?
‘Cause I know my hope is dry
Chorus:
Can I have just this dance; can I have just this dance?
It will change my life, you know
Words from your steady steps
Can be inspiring
You could be the one to show
Verse 2:
Can I stay here watching you?
Though I know that you’re not free
I’m amazed by the work you do
‘Cause I know it’ll set me free
Chorus:
Can I have just this dance; can I have just this dance?
It will change my life, you know
Words from your crazy steps
Can be so colourful
You could show me all you know
Bridge:
I need just this dance
To feel alive again
I wanna be inspired again
November's song, as 60% progress is achieved, is called 'Satellite'.
Why so? Cz I'm trying out a deeper concept of communication break downs.
It could be intepreted as lost friendship, lost love as good as it can be viewed as lack of/inability to understand someone.
Here's the current lyrics:
"Satellite" by JLWY
Verse 1:
My satellite's broken down today
And it hasn't landed anywhere near you, mhmm
Bracing a fall only shadows would know
Come back in time to be fixed
Chorus:
And despite the modern technology
All we need is just some clarity
I have lost you to the blue of sea
How do I let you hear me?
Verse 2:
Oh, my satellite's broken down today
Does it make a difference if it lands near you?
It survives a fall through the shadow of night
Hoping to see you someday
Chorus:
With the lure of modern technology
We have lost some of our clarity
I lost sight of you in the chrome of hills
How could I let this be?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Last note
More on random thoughts, really. Since I'm kinda hooked onto blogging at the moment + yknow how erratic my non-blogging mood can get.
Btw please note that I rarely edit my posts like the usual perfectionist I am, so bear with typos x)
Do you know in the British tv series, 'Sugar Rush' the lead actress Olivia Hallinan seriously reminds me of Celyn? No no no, this is not a poetry waxing post on her, but just that it's not everyday you see someone in reel life who has the same facial expressions and speech patterns that get you omg-ing about someone familiar in real life.
Cute, assertive responses are my thing really.
And she with that character called Saint? Talk about always being convenient to have an uber cute girlfriend who lives above and actually OWNS the women's sex shop below it.
I'm not kidding you, and as racy as the topic gets, their relationship is genuinely sweet. Haha.
Maybe it was the mind-blowing concepts of this show that attracted me to it but I'm not influenced like that.
And on an opposite note, the movie trip this coming Wednesday involves JR(yes that bassist who seems like a potential crush-candidate since February)and we've been hanging out again after the exams. Can't wait to spend more time with my bandmates and bask in the comfort of his presence(cz yes he's too friggin quiet/passive and doesn't ignite my passionate and humourous side but he gives a calming aura).
Here's the bottomline.
My heart is with that person I talk about a lot, but if we don't work out in her post-high school outings with me after SPM/before she leaves KL, I am REALLY gonna move on to give way to something better in life.
Btw please note that I rarely edit my posts like the usual perfectionist I am, so bear with typos x)
Do you know in the British tv series, 'Sugar Rush' the lead actress Olivia Hallinan seriously reminds me of Celyn? No no no, this is not a poetry waxing post on her, but just that it's not everyday you see someone in reel life who has the same facial expressions and speech patterns that get you omg-ing about someone familiar in real life.
Cute, assertive responses are my thing really.
And she with that character called Saint? Talk about always being convenient to have an uber cute girlfriend who lives above and actually OWNS the women's sex shop below it.
I'm not kidding you, and as racy as the topic gets, their relationship is genuinely sweet. Haha.
Maybe it was the mind-blowing concepts of this show that attracted me to it but I'm not influenced like that.
And on an opposite note, the movie trip this coming Wednesday involves JR(yes that bassist who seems like a potential crush-candidate since February)and we've been hanging out again after the exams. Can't wait to spend more time with my bandmates and bask in the comfort of his presence(cz yes he's too friggin quiet/passive and doesn't ignite my passionate and humourous side but he gives a calming aura).
Here's the bottomline.
My heart is with that person I talk about a lot, but if we don't work out in her post-high school outings with me after SPM/before she leaves KL, I am REALLY gonna move on to give way to something better in life.
Daily bread
...and i have no idea what that's supposed to mean. How mischieviously ignorant.
Anyway, to sum up the little anxiety i have now: i have a big stapled past year for Biology as assignment due to tomorrow, piano practical grade 3 exam on Tues(yup i'm finally stamping a mark in my musical progress, nervousnervous~), Malaysian Studies exam on Wednesday morning(reading it in English is not as bad as BM in other colleges, but reading the same stuff a second time after the previous mini-tests does bore the hell out of me).
Plus, there's that Parent-Lecturer Conference thing right after the paper. Good news is I've scored high enough grades to maintain my 100% scholarship(yayness), bad news is I have no idea what lecturers will tell my mum. The potential hasn't successfully been tapped from this former good student? Too quiet in class? Too distracted elsewhere? Lol. Beats me.
Causes for joy, on the other hand: Movie on Wednesday afternoon right after that conference(haha yea Wednesday is gonna be sooo packed, but FINALLY on the movie part), Sunday afternoon jamming with our new keyboardist Marian Yap.
Talking about Marian, anyway, one of my guitarists has a crush on her. I'm hoping that figure won't double by Sunday. Haha. Cz work is number one when I'm doing music, as my principle is to draw a line between professional and personal. I hope the rest would practice it too.
Getting annoyed by the years of random guys crushing on every single one of my female friends and passing awkward notes thru me--it's, well, irritating and distasteful. It seems that a)I have a resident lesbian aura(tho i'm actually bi lol), b)and they take the 'one of the guys' quote a little too seriously upon sensing that aura. I'm just not a vehicle for passing sweet messages yknow. You have the cellphone, facebook and twitter for that, honey.
About that aura topic--it was first started by my friend CSM, but which she never explained clearly. I personally think I'm pretty femme as a person but my aura says otherwise. How else would you explain N and M's attraction to me? Lol. But everytime these people crush on me and expect me to be as butch as they felt I was, I prove them wrong by..being myself. Lol.
I'm a tough person overall bcz I don't seem to have died from all those emotional warfare from my bad exes and family members sometimes, not too depressed or angry upon knowing that my university journey might be bumpy due to financial troubles, not dead yet from being gay in a Christian college.
What do you think...Should I take on zombies next? Oh right, I should fall for a vampire first so he'd save me along the way. Just in case haha.
Anyway back to the main topic--I'm unfortunately a sensitive soul due to all this kongfuchowyaucharkuai abstract artistry abilities in me. I can sing a song originally by others well bcz of my most apparent characteristic, empathy. I can write stories by feeling others' pain. And most recently, the expressive nature I channel for singing has proven to be successful in acting as well =)
Lol. On the other hand, that sometimes makes me pretty vulnerable to direct abuses hurled at me, so traumas from bad experiences sometimes bother me still. But I'm healing and changing along the way.
That sensitive side, those people who claim to love me for me never seem to understand. Sometimes they expect me to tolerate their crying and cheating, but when I need a shoulder to lean on they automatically assume that I've lost the butch appeal in their eyes. No comment really.
You want a fully automated perfect butch? Go make one yourself by studying hard enough--oh btw, studies being a recurrent problem in all my exes. I know what kills their appeal in my eyes--being a total douchebag when it comes to studies. I lose faith in someone when my role in the relationship almost turns motherly(lol, that's when I knew how bad it was for me bcz I simply hated watching her slack off like hell before SPM).
I'm seeking an equal or better half, not a child to mother about. A task i'm not qualified to take yet anyway.
And I want the person to know that I won't settle for anything less than equal love for me the way I care about him/her.
Don't think I'm pretty enough? He/she doesn't seem to look like that supermodel anytime soon as well.
Don't like my talents? Go serenade yourself.
That's why, I've not jumped the shark at relationship chances this year.
I'm glad that nowadays I have a healthy priority for myself when it comes to what I deserve. No more I give you take. Period.
Anyway, to sum up the little anxiety i have now: i have a big stapled past year for Biology as assignment due to tomorrow, piano practical grade 3 exam on Tues(yup i'm finally stamping a mark in my musical progress, nervousnervous~), Malaysian Studies exam on Wednesday morning(reading it in English is not as bad as BM in other colleges, but reading the same stuff a second time after the previous mini-tests does bore the hell out of me).
Plus, there's that Parent-Lecturer Conference thing right after the paper. Good news is I've scored high enough grades to maintain my 100% scholarship(yayness), bad news is I have no idea what lecturers will tell my mum. The potential hasn't successfully been tapped from this former good student? Too quiet in class? Too distracted elsewhere? Lol. Beats me.
Causes for joy, on the other hand: Movie on Wednesday afternoon right after that conference(haha yea Wednesday is gonna be sooo packed, but FINALLY on the movie part), Sunday afternoon jamming with our new keyboardist Marian Yap.
Talking about Marian, anyway, one of my guitarists has a crush on her. I'm hoping that figure won't double by Sunday. Haha. Cz work is number one when I'm doing music, as my principle is to draw a line between professional and personal. I hope the rest would practice it too.
Getting annoyed by the years of random guys crushing on every single one of my female friends and passing awkward notes thru me--it's, well, irritating and distasteful. It seems that a)I have a resident lesbian aura(tho i'm actually bi lol), b)and they take the 'one of the guys' quote a little too seriously upon sensing that aura. I'm just not a vehicle for passing sweet messages yknow. You have the cellphone, facebook and twitter for that, honey.
About that aura topic--it was first started by my friend CSM, but which she never explained clearly. I personally think I'm pretty femme as a person but my aura says otherwise. How else would you explain N and M's attraction to me? Lol. But everytime these people crush on me and expect me to be as butch as they felt I was, I prove them wrong by..being myself. Lol.
I'm a tough person overall bcz I don't seem to have died from all those emotional warfare from my bad exes and family members sometimes, not too depressed or angry upon knowing that my university journey might be bumpy due to financial troubles, not dead yet from being gay in a Christian college.
What do you think...Should I take on zombies next? Oh right, I should fall for a vampire first so he'd save me along the way. Just in case haha.
Anyway back to the main topic--I'm unfortunately a sensitive soul due to all this kongfuchowyaucharkuai abstract artistry abilities in me. I can sing a song originally by others well bcz of my most apparent characteristic, empathy. I can write stories by feeling others' pain. And most recently, the expressive nature I channel for singing has proven to be successful in acting as well =)
Lol. On the other hand, that sometimes makes me pretty vulnerable to direct abuses hurled at me, so traumas from bad experiences sometimes bother me still. But I'm healing and changing along the way.
That sensitive side, those people who claim to love me for me never seem to understand. Sometimes they expect me to tolerate their crying and cheating, but when I need a shoulder to lean on they automatically assume that I've lost the butch appeal in their eyes. No comment really.
You want a fully automated perfect butch? Go make one yourself by studying hard enough--oh btw, studies being a recurrent problem in all my exes. I know what kills their appeal in my eyes--being a total douchebag when it comes to studies. I lose faith in someone when my role in the relationship almost turns motherly(lol, that's when I knew how bad it was for me bcz I simply hated watching her slack off like hell before SPM).
I'm seeking an equal or better half, not a child to mother about. A task i'm not qualified to take yet anyway.
And I want the person to know that I won't settle for anything less than equal love for me the way I care about him/her.
Don't think I'm pretty enough? He/she doesn't seem to look like that supermodel anytime soon as well.
Don't like my talents? Go serenade yourself.
That's why, I've not jumped the shark at relationship chances this year.
I'm glad that nowadays I have a healthy priority for myself when it comes to what I deserve. No more I give you take. Period.
The serious update (not that someone dies, but that there's just zero humour unfortunately)
Not big on ideas for blog titles today.
But anyway by the way I place importance on the working principles of karma, it is highly unlikely that those Christian gals will be able to effectively change my mind on whose religion to side.
Sorry, I just am too comfortable in my own skin with my birth religion to be swayed lol.
A fact that not many knew would be that M and I actually bonded a little through our shared interest on the karmic cycle.
I do think it is the best principle for my life bcz I can be myself as long as I do not condone harm.
The general idea that the karmic cycle is an independent, personal system where nothing exerts its control on you forcefully and only a measure of your strength of will determines how the end result of your own karmic cycle would be. Strength of will in this context largely involves your conscience and courage to take an action or not.
It is a good gauge of maturity and sensibility--more so, learning these.
Doesn't work for everyone but it's just my two cents worth of thought =)
Anyway,
every love story must have some sort of ending.
Definitive?
Epic?
Not really.
Well, here it goes. I finally went to see her that day when I had some business back at school. Even Diamond thinks she's changed, so I'm not an exception at that. The overdependence on certain friends, the embracing her ego in full circle as a senior in school. Lol, no surprise.
'Oh darn, I didn't expect that it'd rain today after walking here thru that heat.'
'How smart. Didn't bring umbrella.'
'I don't like holding umbrellas. Looking like aunties.'
'Yea true.'
(No. 1 proof that I've changed: I've even surprised myself by not going time bomb-ish on her when she uses sarcastic 'dumb' expressions on me. Instead I came up with a perfectly logical reply =))
Anyway, I did sms her on watching orchestras together someday.
'Hey,'
'Yea?'
'Wanna come watch MPYO concert on Christmas?'
'Yea sure. I should be free by then.'
(Her expression turns blank after that, resuming her previous indifference. No one at SPM days behave like perfectly well-mannered royals, especially not precocious teens. But not offering a hug for once being close frens was a little unusual. Expected tho, people change and petty arguments aren't forgotten easily.)
If you read it as uninspired as when I've typed it, I suppose you're right that this is not really the love it has claimed itself to be in my heart.
But agreeing to meet the person who brought me into music, at a musical event soon, is not a bad official work outing.
To be honest, I'm mainly focusing on trying to regain purpose in making music the way I had with her last year.
We can't be terribly right for each other or close as before, but any work experience is good shedding of light.
Seeing that nothing special happens to people who are SPM-struck and someone who is trying to reason her own purposes for doing things, this post shall end here to mark the finality of its lacvk of inspiration.
Except that my language usage is as compactly contorted as ever. Lol.
But anyway by the way I place importance on the working principles of karma, it is highly unlikely that those Christian gals will be able to effectively change my mind on whose religion to side.
Sorry, I just am too comfortable in my own skin with my birth religion to be swayed lol.
A fact that not many knew would be that M and I actually bonded a little through our shared interest on the karmic cycle.
I do think it is the best principle for my life bcz I can be myself as long as I do not condone harm.
The general idea that the karmic cycle is an independent, personal system where nothing exerts its control on you forcefully and only a measure of your strength of will determines how the end result of your own karmic cycle would be. Strength of will in this context largely involves your conscience and courage to take an action or not.
It is a good gauge of maturity and sensibility--more so, learning these.
Doesn't work for everyone but it's just my two cents worth of thought =)
Anyway,
every love story must have some sort of ending.
Definitive?
Epic?
Not really.
Well, here it goes. I finally went to see her that day when I had some business back at school. Even Diamond thinks she's changed, so I'm not an exception at that. The overdependence on certain friends, the embracing her ego in full circle as a senior in school. Lol, no surprise.
'Oh darn, I didn't expect that it'd rain today after walking here thru that heat.'
'How smart. Didn't bring umbrella.'
'I don't like holding umbrellas. Looking like aunties.'
'Yea true.'
(No. 1 proof that I've changed: I've even surprised myself by not going time bomb-ish on her when she uses sarcastic 'dumb' expressions on me. Instead I came up with a perfectly logical reply =))
Anyway, I did sms her on watching orchestras together someday.
'Hey,'
'Yea?'
'Wanna come watch MPYO concert on Christmas?'
'Yea sure. I should be free by then.'
(Her expression turns blank after that, resuming her previous indifference. No one at SPM days behave like perfectly well-mannered royals, especially not precocious teens. But not offering a hug for once being close frens was a little unusual. Expected tho, people change and petty arguments aren't forgotten easily.)
If you read it as uninspired as when I've typed it, I suppose you're right that this is not really the love it has claimed itself to be in my heart.
But agreeing to meet the person who brought me into music, at a musical event soon, is not a bad official work outing.
To be honest, I'm mainly focusing on trying to regain purpose in making music the way I had with her last year.
We can't be terribly right for each other or close as before, but any work experience is good shedding of light.
Seeing that nothing special happens to people who are SPM-struck and someone who is trying to reason her own purposes for doing things, this post shall end here to mark the finality of its lacvk of inspiration.
Except that my language usage is as compactly contorted as ever. Lol.
Waxing poetry on life (brought to you by modern technology from fb)
6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE (tagged by someone on fb, bringing it here as a post so as not to waste these thoughts ;))
• Less is more. The less you crave the happier you'll be anytime.
• Be more observant. Sometimes the game doesn't involve you even when you get to roll the dice, it only begins when you see what others come up with.
• Beauty is 30% looks, 70% personality and confidence. Want others to love you? Start by loving yourself (by finally getting yourself that expensive baskin robbin pile you've been staring at since June, or by not doing anything stupid to embarass the rabbit hole out of yourself either).
• Time is running out. Don't ever forget that. So tailor all your actions to time by measuring their worth.
• Give more than you take. As by the person who tagged me, we do not live long enough to completely enjoy the fruits of our hard work...so share the love. Buy more time to spend with loved ones by gaining good karma through life.
• Always stay true to yourself cz it's a pain to lie and while doing so, live as guided by your conscience--there's nothing wrong with being something different as long as you're not harming others. But those who can't accept you for being different--they're harming you. So practise forgiveness as well while you're at it.
= Be karmic-guided, open-minded and true to yourself
• Less is more. The less you crave the happier you'll be anytime.
• Be more observant. Sometimes the game doesn't involve you even when you get to roll the dice, it only begins when you see what others come up with.
• Beauty is 30% looks, 70% personality and confidence. Want others to love you? Start by loving yourself (by finally getting yourself that expensive baskin robbin pile you've been staring at since June, or by not doing anything stupid to embarass the rabbit hole out of yourself either).
• Time is running out. Don't ever forget that. So tailor all your actions to time by measuring their worth.
• Give more than you take. As by the person who tagged me, we do not live long enough to completely enjoy the fruits of our hard work...so share the love. Buy more time to spend with loved ones by gaining good karma through life.
• Always stay true to yourself cz it's a pain to lie and while doing so, live as guided by your conscience--there's nothing wrong with being something different as long as you're not harming others. But those who can't accept you for being different--they're harming you. So practise forgiveness as well while you're at it.
= Be karmic-guided, open-minded and true to yourself
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Happy amends!
Hey.
I know i know, it's not fair to leave you hanging and wondering what happened to the i-want-to-die version of JLWY.
But since she's now i'd-like-to-make-you-laugh-so-gimme-back-my-sense-of-humour-o-boring-life JLWY, it's safe to say that the sky's clear tho I'm pretty sure the rainbow is delayed in an airline jam.
After the crazy weeks and months(which climaxed in fever/flu and a cough-wrecked voice. how very passionate.),
One thing I know for sure is that this person has the biggest influence on how I feel.
It's been close to six years now(next Jan or Feb will officially mark it)but everything she says still makes me smile tho she's far away.
One evening after passing by an art shop, I decided to text her.
'hey busy girl. i wanna gv u a gd distraction. do you like butterflies as pattern?'
The busy girl suddenly isn't so busy and replied.
'lol, yea...i like butterflies..they're pretty =) why so random?'
'just wanted to make you visualise something pretty(that isn't abt your books)for one moment. haha. glad you like it. and yea, random is fun.'
then in a few more words i ended the texting bcz spm is coming soon--and i don't wanna be the old paedophiliac hag to blame for hogging a schooling spm junior.
It was the single most simple and mindless convo i've had in such long time, but I'm reminded of Me.
The one who will throw a stick strategically at you or improvise an act to make you laugh. The girl who gives her all, remember? (side effect of teenagery volatile emotions not included haha)
The feeling is liberating.
Being closer to adulthood--choosing uni, learning and embracing responsibilities--is just not about feeling so free flowing.
But those butterflies, and the possible smiles on both our faces, just reminded me of that passion.
It's amazing how she can always do that to me and the trick never gets old, huh?
=)
I don't know how our story will end, or if it'll be as sweet as how we are when we do not interact in person.
Firstly, do I really know the real her?
Does it matter that I'm nothing like the suave, glib-talking romantic, flirtatious Jo but am the confident, smart, funny and talented Me?
Will we ever be together even for once in the future?
Will the feeling treble unto another six years? Even after she's migrated away?
I don't know.
And because I'm so in touch with the new me, i'll tell you I don't NEED to care.
(why use the time to bask in joy as wastage in worrying lol)
Because, I think, I really love this person.
It hasn't changed.
p.s. i'll get you those butterflies if you score well in ass pee 'em, choir nanny.
I know i know, it's not fair to leave you hanging and wondering what happened to the i-want-to-die version of JLWY.
But since she's now i'd-like-to-make-you-laugh-so-gimme-back-my-sense-of-humour-o-boring-life JLWY, it's safe to say that the sky's clear tho I'm pretty sure the rainbow is delayed in an airline jam.
After the crazy weeks and months(which climaxed in fever/flu and a cough-wrecked voice. how very passionate.),
One thing I know for sure is that this person has the biggest influence on how I feel.
It's been close to six years now(next Jan or Feb will officially mark it)but everything she says still makes me smile tho she's far away.
One evening after passing by an art shop, I decided to text her.
'hey busy girl. i wanna gv u a gd distraction. do you like butterflies as pattern?'
The busy girl suddenly isn't so busy and replied.
'lol, yea...i like butterflies..they're pretty =) why so random?'
'just wanted to make you visualise something pretty(that isn't abt your books)for one moment. haha. glad you like it. and yea, random is fun.'
then in a few more words i ended the texting bcz spm is coming soon--and i don't wanna be the old paedophiliac hag to blame for hogging a schooling spm junior.
It was the single most simple and mindless convo i've had in such long time, but I'm reminded of Me.
The one who will throw a stick strategically at you or improvise an act to make you laugh. The girl who gives her all, remember? (side effect of teenagery volatile emotions not included haha)
The feeling is liberating.
Being closer to adulthood--choosing uni, learning and embracing responsibilities--is just not about feeling so free flowing.
But those butterflies, and the possible smiles on both our faces, just reminded me of that passion.
It's amazing how she can always do that to me and the trick never gets old, huh?
=)
I don't know how our story will end, or if it'll be as sweet as how we are when we do not interact in person.
Firstly, do I really know the real her?
Does it matter that I'm nothing like the suave, glib-talking romantic, flirtatious Jo but am the confident, smart, funny and talented Me?
Will we ever be together even for once in the future?
Will the feeling treble unto another six years? Even after she's migrated away?
I don't know.
And because I'm so in touch with the new me, i'll tell you I don't NEED to care.
(why use the time to bask in joy as wastage in worrying lol)
Because, I think, I really love this person.
It hasn't changed.
p.s. i'll get you those butterflies if you score well in ass pee 'em, choir nanny.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Senseless and distressing escapism concept
What if everything feels like a dead end...
and death is not far from thought?
It's easy to feel so.
But the idea's kinda contrived.
What if you're a perfectionist so disillusioned with life's flaws...
And a gay person trapped in a conservative country with no way out.
And all religious elements around her becomes nightmarish.
Family and friends(if they haven't betrayed her or left for a country/state far away)provide scarce comfort bcz they find her to complicated to understand.
And her mind does not disprove that fact, time after time.
Perhaps she is not beautiful enough to be loved as well, seeing the likes of it.
A person so intense it's difficult to socialise,
and finds it an unacceptable flaw bcz only geniuses are allowed to be so?
How twisted can those thoughts be?
Why is it that everyone i love must be a bad person who betrays my trust in the end?
Is there no sincere people?
Even the friends?
People find joy in selling my secrets all around. Again and again.
Even my academic life is a rut bcz it's not what my potential shows.
It's a matter of I can, but I do? I'm not sure.
But I have to, we just can't afford not to.
and death is not far from thought?
It's easy to feel so.
But the idea's kinda contrived.
What if you're a perfectionist so disillusioned with life's flaws...
And a gay person trapped in a conservative country with no way out.
And all religious elements around her becomes nightmarish.
Family and friends(if they haven't betrayed her or left for a country/state far away)provide scarce comfort bcz they find her to complicated to understand.
And her mind does not disprove that fact, time after time.
Perhaps she is not beautiful enough to be loved as well, seeing the likes of it.
A person so intense it's difficult to socialise,
and finds it an unacceptable flaw bcz only geniuses are allowed to be so?
How twisted can those thoughts be?
Why is it that everyone i love must be a bad person who betrays my trust in the end?
Is there no sincere people?
Even the friends?
People find joy in selling my secrets all around. Again and again.
Even my academic life is a rut bcz it's not what my potential shows.
It's a matter of I can, but I do? I'm not sure.
But I have to, we just can't afford not to.
Monday, November 2, 2009
It reads like love
Been having an exam.
One day when I was reading, I fell asleep on the book.
It is commonplace as far as my reading habit goes; or perhaps it was a simple afternoon nap where I managed to grab a not so comfy pillow right before I collapsed into slumber.
Then I had the most unexpected dream.
Maybe not.
After so long, i suppose it would be uncommon for me to think of Celyn.
My one regret in my high school life is never having told her how much I loved her when I had the chance. This fact affected me quite a bit in the first half of the year, tho now it seems so distant.
Yet surreal only after the dream in which i met her again.
But I know why I didn't confess to her at those times when it was possible--it was simply bcz I understood the consequences of it.
January 2008, if i confessed, I would've a)brought the trauma of my first rship into it, b)ruined a truly outstanding, professional choir rship that followed in the months later.
June 2008, if I confessed, a)she was alrdy in a rship, b)besides, the fact that i still loved M then. If I did, ever, I think it would've been damaging for all three of us.
M and I probably don't remember our time together, tho it was one of the sweetest times of my life, I guess I can't complain about how things have unfolded bcz they were simply meant to be.
Without M, there wouldn't be happy and confident me who's hung the Nata shadow behind her.
Fastforward to now.
I guess it's a familiar disbelief that I still do think of Celyn, even after knowing the real her who is not the girl I cared about in high school.
Do I really know her? If she finished her sentence the other day, would she have meant that she's loved me once but I just didn't know it? Does she know that 5 years has not been an easy wait?
I shall leave those questions unanswered, bcz with the girl whom my love for her brought out the worst in me(jealousy, anger, desperation, dishonesty, basically that horrible self I was in Feb 2009), something left to the imagination is better than bad answers.
Leaving high school was difficult due to the transition from being accepted and loved always, to not having anythg familiar or accepting at all.
I am a fully academic person at the moment, tho I believe that there must be something more to this lovelife.
Knowing now that,
I find it comforting when JR spends some time eating, studying etc. next to me most days.
I find it interesting that some of my words and action might turn the tides of my rship with this other person.
I find Brian C really cute and that he's actually not a bad conversationalist.
I find it amusing, instead of distressing like back in high school, that this someone that I used to admire is still afraid of having me as an admirer. It's funny.
I find it a little heartbreaking whenever Sandy looks over in contempt, but heartwarming when she gives the 'i miss you/i miss that about you' look when she sees someone singing in the hallway.
I know these five people concurrently shape the passive progresses of my innermost feelings, but these five fragments of unfocused thoughts, remember, originated from the one big piece that took five years to build but five minutes for Celyn to crush.
It's not easy being whole again, but I must be strong. Bcz I am.
One day when I was reading, I fell asleep on the book.
It is commonplace as far as my reading habit goes; or perhaps it was a simple afternoon nap where I managed to grab a not so comfy pillow right before I collapsed into slumber.
Then I had the most unexpected dream.
Maybe not.
After so long, i suppose it would be uncommon for me to think of Celyn.
My one regret in my high school life is never having told her how much I loved her when I had the chance. This fact affected me quite a bit in the first half of the year, tho now it seems so distant.
Yet surreal only after the dream in which i met her again.
But I know why I didn't confess to her at those times when it was possible--it was simply bcz I understood the consequences of it.
January 2008, if i confessed, I would've a)brought the trauma of my first rship into it, b)ruined a truly outstanding, professional choir rship that followed in the months later.
June 2008, if I confessed, a)she was alrdy in a rship, b)besides, the fact that i still loved M then. If I did, ever, I think it would've been damaging for all three of us.
M and I probably don't remember our time together, tho it was one of the sweetest times of my life, I guess I can't complain about how things have unfolded bcz they were simply meant to be.
Without M, there wouldn't be happy and confident me who's hung the Nata shadow behind her.
Fastforward to now.
I guess it's a familiar disbelief that I still do think of Celyn, even after knowing the real her who is not the girl I cared about in high school.
Do I really know her? If she finished her sentence the other day, would she have meant that she's loved me once but I just didn't know it? Does she know that 5 years has not been an easy wait?
I shall leave those questions unanswered, bcz with the girl whom my love for her brought out the worst in me(jealousy, anger, desperation, dishonesty, basically that horrible self I was in Feb 2009), something left to the imagination is better than bad answers.
Leaving high school was difficult due to the transition from being accepted and loved always, to not having anythg familiar or accepting at all.
I am a fully academic person at the moment, tho I believe that there must be something more to this lovelife.
Knowing now that,
I find it comforting when JR spends some time eating, studying etc. next to me most days.
I find it interesting that some of my words and action might turn the tides of my rship with this other person.
I find Brian C really cute and that he's actually not a bad conversationalist.
I find it amusing, instead of distressing like back in high school, that this someone that I used to admire is still afraid of having me as an admirer. It's funny.
I find it a little heartbreaking whenever Sandy looks over in contempt, but heartwarming when she gives the 'i miss you/i miss that about you' look when she sees someone singing in the hallway.
I know these five people concurrently shape the passive progresses of my innermost feelings, but these five fragments of unfocused thoughts, remember, originated from the one big piece that took five years to build but five minutes for Celyn to crush.
It's not easy being whole again, but I must be strong. Bcz I am.
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